Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep...

You're the one that waits for me every evening when i go to sleep..
your touch against my cheek always feels like a soft caress..a warm welcome..
i put my arms around you and hold you tight..
just to feel that i am holding something near..
and you're always there..
day in and day out..
no other companion would ever be so loyal..

you know all my secrets..
my every thought..
my every worry..
all my doubts and insecurities because as i do lay my head on you every evening and feel the comfort of your familiar touch..
all my thoughts come into mind..
and you feel them coming through me..

as my body relaxes from the tension of the day
all the feelings I've avoided have nowhere to hide now,
and i become an open book in front of myself..
and in front of you..

you feel my tears fall on you
and the pain that many times i do feel..
and yes,those few selective times when i do ask from whoever it is that's up there or around us,
from this 'whoever' who seems to be able to pull the strings sometimes,
so unjustly and cruelly,
you hear me asking for my something,
my wish,
my last hope for something which many people would call it prayer..
i call it wishful thinking..
and sometimes even hope...

who would expect that something as lifeless as a pillow would have so much significance..
but I've been thinking about this the last few nights..
where it seems that the only comfort i can get from anything is only from my pillow.
kind of sad you think?
kind of pitiful or maybe even desperate?
maybe it is..
but who cares..
after all great falls, great things are made again..
so ill just stick to my pillow and make the best of it..
and you know what?
besides holding this messed up head of mine at night so i don't get a painful kink in my neck,
there's also also another advantage..
it doesn't talk back!!

'Tι Ομο'φο Φεγγά'ι!!!'

It was a typical weekday.

I woke up in the morning with the rude sound of both my alarm clocks..I've started setting two of them the last two weeks or so..waking up has gotten as difficult as falling asleep has..i wonder what the next step will be...

After all the domestic chores were finished(phase one),the children returned from school and the next phase of the day started..reading,writing,refereeing the arguments between the two younger ladies of the house, negotiations with the older one of the three whether he could go for a quick round at the Internet cafe with his friends even though it was a school day...

Phase three then started which is made up of everything that exists outside the house..the swimming team,guitar lessons,polo practice,my private lessons,the supermarket and whatever else had found its own way on my list of things to do during the course of the day.

During all of these three stages, my mind follows its own course..what has to be paid when and how much..deadlines..what the hell i am going to cook the next day..i really do need to call my hairdresser to fix my hair again..the question of why i miss him so much if i 'think' I'm not in love with him anymore (read my other posts..i refer to him a lot)..is that a wrinkle around my eyes?..don't forget the dentist appointment..change the sheets..god girl!!go get your legs waxed..did i remember to turn off the iron before i left home?..and on and on and on...

When i finally got home that evening at around ten o'clock,I'm not exaggerating when i say that i was feeling a little bit more than just sorry for myself as i carried my bag,two huge swimming bags,two bags from the supermarket,my car and house keys and at the same time trying hold my youngest daughter's hand who has become quite a bit of a rebel lately and thinks she can 'dash' across the street while 'safely' avoiding the cars..

As we finally touched ground on the wide pavement in front of our house,my daughter looked up in the sky and said to me.."κοιτα μαμα τι ομοφο ειναι το φεγγάι!" (ειναι καπως ψευδη και δεν λεει το 'ρ' πολλες φορες..ειναι μικρη ακομη..4 χρονων..θα διορθωθει..ελπιζω..).

I looked at her at moment. How many other times had i told her the same thing i wondered..enough for her to do it on her own though..i felt like all χαζομαμαδες do...proud..

i hadn't noticed the moon..i hadn't noticed a lot of things that day actually..i was too caught up with everything else,in things which i 'thought' were the most important on my 'list of things not to forget'..how wrong i was...

I dropped all the things i was carrying at that point on the pavement and looked up at the moon. It wasn't a full moon..it looked like a cookie with a bite missing but at that point i thought it was one of the most beautiful moons i had ever seen..

you see ,it doesn't matter what you see really..its just a matter of perception..they do say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder..what a beautiful moon it was...

"Tο Χρυσό Κουφέτο" στο MSN...

Ναι. Στα 38 μου,το εζησα και αυτο!!!

A while ago a messenger contact of mine asked me to accept his cousin as a new contact as well on my messenger. "Γιατι;" i asked. He answered that his cousin was around my age (τι εχει το age μου by the way???) and thought it would be a good idea to 'meet' internetically.

i was not at all keen on the whole idea.."Δεν ειμαι σε τετοια φαση βρε" του ελεγα αλλα αυτος επεμενε μεχρι που με εσκασε πραγματικα and i gave in with a heavy heart. By the way, my contact told me that his cousin was a really interesting person and we would have a lot of things to chat about.how does the Greek saying go?'οπου ακους για πολλα κερασια,κρατα μικρο καλαθι'?καπως ετσι νομιζω..I'm not that sure but it fits the situation.i was carrying a small basket from the beginning..

The next day i saw a new add request on my messenger. The nickname hit me.

******kos...(the name will be withheld for personal reasons..for fear he might come back that is!! )

After that first shock, i (reluctantly) accepted his add. Shock two came in a while. " κοριτσαρα μου τι κανεις?" he asked at once.

Pause from my side of the screen..i was still looking at the picture of the thirty something year old man,with the 'φραχτη like' κομμωση (you know the one where the hair stands straight up in the air all around the head as if it's a fence of some kind..probably trying to protect the unknown creatures inhabiting the scalp from leaving..i know i know..I'm being bitchy..humour me please!!). Apart from his looks,there was a picture of Stelios Kazantzidhs in the background..mistake..not a picture..a wall to wall poster of him. Don't get me wrong..i have no problem with Stellara (may he rest in peace)but the combination of the poster,the hair,the thick gold chain around his neck and the Joe Weider φανελακι with *****kos's huge muscles bulging out kind of took me by surprise. this was not my type of man at all! i was also wondering how my msn-contact thought i would have so many common points with this *****akos since so far,things didn't look too bright from where i was sitting but i decided to be open minded and continue the conversation.

I answered of course after being directed as 'κοριτσαρα μου,μαναρι μου, μωρο μου ατελειωτο μου' και ολα αυτα (χωρις να με εχει δει φυσικα..μαλλον αυτα 'φαινονται' απο τον τροπο που γραφω,ε???) 'Yπομονη' μου ειπα και συνεχιζα though i was already trying to figure out my strategy to get rid of him without seeming toο hard. I asked him a typical question that we all ask someone we don't know at all..'Τι μουσικη ακους ******ακο?'(επεμενε να τον φωναζω ετσι..βιτσιο μαλλον..) and of course he answered me 'λαικα,σκυλαδικα και r&b......' i stopped typing and just sat there in front of the screen..wondering..I can understand the first two but please tell me where does the r&b fit in???? περι ορεξεος(or is it ορεξεως?damn greek spelling!!!) κολοκυθοπιτα και μετα απο λιγο με ρωτησε φυσικα και μενα την ιδια ερωτηση.

Ι decided to put my plan into progress and try to get rid of ******ακουλινι (ετσι μου ειπε να τον φωναζω πια μιας και ενοιωθε TOΣΟ ανετα μαζι μου μετα απο τρεις προτασεις που ανταλλαξαμε..ωρες ωρες αναρωτιεμαι για εσας τους ανδρες αλλα anyways...)I answered him that i of course only listened to death and black metal(which is a lie)and nothing Greek. 'Μαλιστα' απαντησε..καλο σημαδι αυτο σκεφτηκα..το μαλιστα παντα δειχνει πως καποιος δεν συμφωνει η δεν του αρεσει κατι αλλα επειδη ειναι ευγενικος,δεν στο λεει καταμουτρα.

Next question. I asked him where he prefers to go for fun. the answer was expectable. "Σε σκυλαδικα φυσικα και στα μπουζουκια κοπελαρα μου διμετρη.εσυ?¨(i'm actually 173 but i must 'seem' taller through my writing or something..δεν με χαλαει..δεν με χαλαει..) Τι να εκανα τωρα?παρα ητανε ευκολα τα πραγματα! i answered that i only go to some underground bars in Εξαρχια και στο Αν Club..naturally!!!(εκει παω που και που αρα δεν ητανε και πολυ μαγαλο το ψεμα,ετσι δεν ειναι?)

His answer? 'μαλιστα...'

Victory was close..i could feel it..but because i am more times than not a good person,i started feeling a bit mean and thought I'd give him a chance..maybe he wasn't as bad as i thought he was(i doubted it but anyways!) so i asked him another question..an easy one..'Τι σ'αρεσει να κανεις στον ελευθερο σου χρονο *****ακo?(ακομη το κανονικο του ονομα δεν μου το ειχε πει!!) και περιμενω την απαντηση του καθως τoν εβλεπα να την γραφει και σκεφτομoυνα ποσο αδικη και κακοπιστη που ημουνα μαζι του..the answer came then..

'οταν δεν γυμναζω το κορμι μου κοριτσαρα μου,κανω σεξ..ατελειωτο σεξ...εσυ?'

'αααα...εγω???? μπαααα...προτιμω να κοιμαμαι' του απαντησα και ειπα ενα γρηγορα 'χαρηκα αλλα πρεπει να παω να κανω μπανιο τωρα' και 'καλο βραδυ' and hurried off the messenger and deleted him at once. that was that.

το προξενιο μεσω msn was short lived luckily..this must be the new kind of blind dates we used to have when i was young..i suppose these kinds have their advantage though..they're faster and easier to get out of..i think..i'm not sure yet..the only thing i can say for now is..

next please... ;-))))

Just Call Me 'Clutter-Headed'...

I haven't been too well lately.
Mind wise i mean.
Different thoughts clutter my head. It seems as if things are thrown around in there..a thought here..another one there..just like when you go into your room and throw your clothing here and there because you just don't feel like putting them in the right place.
Most of the times i have scattered thoughts..must go hand in hand with my scattered brain i suppose. These thoughts are most of the time a comfort but sometimes they only just stay there,waiting for i have no idea what,but they just sit and let you think about them. sometimes excessive thinking truley does damage if not only to the brain,then to my well being generally speaking.
When things just get too messy up there in the top part of my head,i resort to drastic measures.
I try to organize everything else outside my head.
How?
Last night,after finally finishing work and the extra stuff i do regulary,i managed to get home at around 12:30 in the evening. Instead of doing the most possible thing after being up from seven the previous day would be, i left the warmness of my home and went to my car to clean it. Just the interior but that alone took me around forty minutes. A huge bag of garbage and another one full of things that had 'wandered' accidentally into the car later,i went back home.
That wasn't enough though.
I still had no sleep so i started doing the next best thing..started cleaning out other things..my desk,the CD/DVD drawers (which are always in a mess!!), my kitchen cupboards and the like, my bag (that would be an interesting post..'things that women have in their bags..if they dare to look that is!!')
The time had passed quite quickly and since everybody was still asleep,i couldn't do much more.
So i sat in my perfectly organized living room..
with the perfectly organized drawers and shelves..
I sat perfectly still...
and i thought to myself..
maybe since i got a bit of all this energy out of me it would help me sort out the mess inside my head..
to say it in Greek better..καλα κρασσα!!!
I couldn't handle anymore thinking..i'll leave that to the more brighter and more gifted intellectuals..that's their job anyways..
not mine..
so ill wait til everyone has woken up and do what every mature,sensible person does when they have things to think about and some decisions to make..
I'll fix the closets...

"Press the Replay Button Please..."

One of my favourite buttons on a CD or DVD player, besides the play button,is the replay/rewind one. I love pressing it to rehear a specific part of a song that i like the most or to hear again a part of the lyrics that i didn't pick up on the first,second or third time around..or to re see a special detail that i hadn't paid enough attention to during a film or re watch an image or scene that was worth seeing again because it made me feel something that i wanted to re experience.

I sometimes wish i could take this replay button with me here in real life and use it to replay scenes or pictures in my life. I'd press it to see memories that fill my heart up with warmth and some others that i should probably see again so as to keep somethings alive just as a memory,even if they are hurtful ones.

Trying to make a list of a few such examples,i came up a few clear images in my mind. The clearest of all images is the birth of all my children and especially the very first time i heard their heartbeats in early pregnancy. I'd press the replay button an endless amount of times there just so that I'd be sure to have the pictures and sounds vividly carved in my mind.

Another memory would be the first time that my family and i came to Greece on holidays after living in the States for around eleven years. I still remember the airport full of all these people who i had never met, yet i had grown up with them from a distance and the feeling of their importance was something that my parents had greatly stressed on us while i was growing up. This was one of the most moving moments in my life but more so for my parents. I don't think I've ever seen them as happy as they had been at that time.

My mother's expression when i announced to her that i was pregnant and getting married at 23 is surely another image that i would very much enjoy watching again and laugh incredibly with it as i had done back then when she almost fainted with the news.I always enjoyed shocking my parents with the way i lived and thought but this one was the best!

Happy moments with my husband which i think about more and more as time passes and I wish i had indeed paid more attention then to those moments than to all the bad ones instead. But that's the way life is i suppose..sometimes it is easier to see the greys and blacks than the bright colours.

I'd replay the times that I've passed with my closest of friends and all the laughs that we have passed together. Though there are moments of tears and anger and bitterness,I'd emphasize only on the happy moments because it's there that we brought out the very best in us..

Life is a long string of images and sounds. I don't think that i would be able to stop at a certain point and say that this is where they all end. I wish i could have the replay/rewind button on me though. Sometimes I'm so afraid that some of these images will be forgotten in the deep black hole that exists in my head. There is no replay button though..and what i see or hear today may indeed be forgotten tomorrow but i try not to let that happen..how you may ask? just by keeping a memory alive as much as i can in me...nothing else.